By Keen Azariah

This marker featuring Rick Astley was popular until it was discontinued for its “sarcastic appeal.”

Tired of pulling fishnet stockings off of grandma’s marble angel and sick of finding long black hairs all over Uncle Bob’s stone cross? 

Rest Easy Cemetery has unveiled a new line of grave markers it calls “Goth proof,” designed to keep wayward teens off of your deceased loved ones. The cemetery’s marketing campaign encourages loved ones to, “Send those mallrats back to the mall, with Rest Easy Cemetery’s new customizable gravestones.”

“No self-respecting Goth would be caught anywhere near these grave markers...,” says funeral home director Ronald Sweed. “Much less want to take photos of themselves posing next to it while holding creepy baby dolls.”

Each Goth-proof gravestone comes fully dyed in the most “ungothic” colors like corporate khaki, and is covered in rows of plastic spikes, similar to those used to keep pigeons off of buildings. The faces of the gravestones are watermarked with superimposed photos of some of the most mainstream celebrities of our time, including Michael Bublé, Jay Leno and Larry the Cable Guy. However, Sweed says their Rick Astley model has recently been discontinued due to sarcastic appeal.

“We’re trying to give families just a drop of dignity in the afterlife,” said Sweed. “And it seems to be working.”

Sweed, whose father Bilbo is buried at Rest Easy, says that he’s noticed less signs of Gothic activity as a result of his father’s new gravestone. “I splurged,” says Sweed. “I got an added attachment feature which releases a spray of Paris Hilton pefume every five minutes.”

By Jim Shorts

President Barack Obama yesterday crowned one of his top donors as the nation’s first honorary queen. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey stood proudly in royal regalia as the president sung her praises and her influences on the world in a short White House ceremony.

“Oprah is not only an icon we should recognize in this country for always espousing her political opinions, but she is also known for her contributions to charity like giving limo rides around the city of Chicago throughout the economic downturn,” the president said.

In accepting her new appointment, Winfrey cautioned that the new position would do nothing to increase what some interpret as her already excessive unchecked power.

“Let me put it this way,” she explained, “The Oprah Winfrey Show reigned for more than two decades and had far more influence on American society than any of the three branches of government. With that in mind, I would say that my new role as queen of the United States will not increase my power in any way. In fact, it may lessen it as my ‘O’ channel continues to tank,” she said.