The presidential election. Tumbling economy. Bailouts.
Last year was insane! In fact, 2008 was so jam-packed with craziness that it compelled us to put aside our disdain for Top Ten lists (they’re almost as insufferable as gift guides). We’ll let other masters of the trite give you the “Best Of” lists; we’d rather give you 2008’s “Worst Of” – it just seems like it was that kind of year! From bad headlines to Arizona’s worst dressed, here’s our countdown of the Valley’s worst of 2008.

Top Ten Slow News Days

Ever flip through the local vanilla daily (there’s only one left) and catch yourself saying, “This is news?”

Late-breaking headlines like “Local Man Does Something Ordinary” or “Valley Business Sells Stuff” leave you feeling every bit of the Valley’s notorious cultural void, not to mention providing some tangible evidence of the digression of daily newspapers.
Here’s a compilation of some of the News of the Obvious from our very own hometown award winner, The Arizona Republic.

10. “Study of Inmates Pinpoints Drug Abuse in County Jails”: Sept. 25, 2008
The Maricopa County Board of Supervisors actually commissioned Arizona researchers to confirm that county jail inmates do drugs while in jail. The real headline should have been: “State Wastes Taxpayer Money to Confirm HBO Findings.”

9. “Hindsight is 20/20 in Real Estate”: Aug. 16, 2008
The story, as its headline implies, was basically a real estate agent saying, “It’s a shame we can't turn the clock back four years.” Perhaps more appropriate: “Realtors Say Market Never Needed Time Machines Like Now.”

8. “Local Sports Bars Cater to Armchair Quarterbacks”: Nov. 19, 2008
This breaking news story was about sports bars doing more business during football season. Stop the presses! A local sports bar that caters to sports fans?!? News flash: “Area Bar Did More Business on New Year’s Than on Christmas.”

7. “Middle-Class Downbeat About Economic Status”: April 9, 2008
Growing debt and economic pressures have middle-class Americans saying they aren’t better off than they were five years ago, according to the study that inspired this gem. How about a follow-up entitled “Homeless Folks Down in the Dumps and the Dumpsters”?

6. “Washing Your Dog Can be a Breeze”: Aug. 6, 2008
This story actually reviewed and evaluated the best way to bathe dogs. Okay, if you really need to pay for an article to discover the best way to wash your animal, call the Humane Society. First tell them your problem, and then expect them to come and take Sparky off your incapable hands.

5. “Report: Life not Easy for Arizona's Girls”: June 23, 2008
The story read: “It’s tough to be a girl in Arizona, a report released today shows. Arizona has the fourth-highest teen-pregnancy rate in the country.” Whoever wrote the headline didn’t seem to read past the first sentence of this story. Despite its headline, this informative expose wasn’t even really about “life not being easy for girls”; it was about teen pregnancy.

4. “Cellphone Yakkers Make Traffic Worse, Study Shows”: Jan 3, 2008
Drivers talking on cell phones get distracted and contribute to bad traffic, according to a breakthrough study. You think? This study must have been done by the same research team that broke the inmates-do-drugs story. It left us with only one question: How the heck do we get some funding for a study to, say, figure out why so many drivers behind the wheels of big Buicks with Wisconsin plates are driving slow?

3. “Experts: U.S. in Recession Since Dec. 2007”: Dec 1, 2008
You certainly remember this one, which was positioned above the fold on the front page, finally letting us in on the well-kept secret that we have been in a recession since December 2007. Wow, talk about delaying the news. We should consider ourselves lucky we avoided an uprising of folks walking around with crumpled-up pink slips in their pockets. Hey, we know this was news, but at least qualify it somehow with the word “confirms.” We know you think we’re numb and dumb, but give us a little credit.

2. “Gilbert Mom Makes Her Own Baby Food”: Nov. 12, 2008
Okay, this wasn’t the worst story ever run, but it begs the question: Don’t all mothers make their own milk, err baby food at some time or another? This was a story about a Gilbert woman who feeds her baby mashed bananas, avocados, blueberries and asparagus rather than buying canned baby food. Hey, by the way, if you enjoyed that Republic piece, you should also check out their three-part series on the Scottsdale woman who cleaned her own house.

1. “Loving our Pet Hamsters”: Aug. 11, 2008 (now officially referred to as 8/11 – The Day News Died)
This full-page feature story was about America’s love affair with hamsters. If you read this story and did not cancel your subscription to The Republic, we want to hear about it. Please send us an e-mail at newsisinthemindofthebeholder@timespublications.com.

Top Ten Worst-Dressed Arizona Celebs

High-water pants. Oversized Hawaiian shirts. Hot pink blazers. These are just some of the “bold” fashion statements being made by a few of Arizona’s most high-profile residents. One of these days one of our many local magazine publishers will actually do something interesting and give one of these cats a makeover. Lord knows they could use some advice.

10. Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon
9. Former Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano
8. Channel 3 investigative journalist Mike Watkiss
7. Bill Austin, of the KEZ 99.9 radio duo Beth and Bill
6. Ms. Janet Napolitano
5. J. Nap.
4. Tempe Mayor Hugh Hallman
3. The entire Phoenix Mercury Team
2. Dr. Leonard Napolitano’s daughter, Janet
1. Newly appointed Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano

Top Ten Outrageous Arpaio Antics of ‘08

Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio has done some outrageous things in the name of publicity, err public safety over the years, but 2008 was over-the-top exceptional.
Between raiding public libraries looking for “illegals” and plotting against his enemies, it’s hard to believe that so many of the real criminals are still roaming the streets.

10. Conducted a string of highly publicized raids aimed at illegal immigration enforcement throughout 2008, while more than 40,000 felony warrants remained piled up in Maricopa County.

9. Revealed he will start charging jail inmates for their own meals in an effort to save taxpayer money.

8. Spent more than $30,000 during a lean budget year to send sheriff’s deputies to Honduras on a controversial goodwill and intelligence-sharing endeavor.

7. Held a press conference to announce that he would take back Shaquille O'Neal’s largely ceremonial deputy’s badge, because of the language the Diesel used in a rap video mocking former teammate Kobe Bryant.

6. Was at the center of the controversial arrests of two Phoenix New Times executives, after the paper allegedly violated a judge’s order not to make public a subpoena requesting information about their online readers. In October, it was revealed that the arrests were ordered by Arpaio’s chief deputy.

5. Demanded a month’s worth of Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon’s e-mails, requiring hundreds of hours of staff research time to produce and costing taxpayers $2,000 to process. The request came after the mayor questioned Arpaio about whether one of his deputies inappropriately detained a mayoral staffer because of her ethnicity.

4. Spent public money to purchase copies of news stories in which he was featured discussing how hotel heiress Paris Hilton would be treated if she were in his jails when she served time for a DUI in 2007.

3. While campaigning for his fifth term as sheriff, Arpaio ran a television ad campaign encouraging viewers to throw away their copies of The Arizona Republic because the paper did not endorse him.

2. Pulled deputies out of the tiny town of Guadalupe and left them without police protection after town leaders had criticized his immigration sweeps.

1. Ordered deputies and armed posse members to raid Mesa City Hall and the city’s public library in the middle of the night, hunting for illegal workers.

Top Ten Worst Jobs of ‘08

If you ended ’08 with a job, you likely breathed a sigh of relief, but here are some jobs you’d likely not want to keep:

10. Stock trader
With stocks fluctuating between terrible and horrendous, this gig has got to be giving colleagues tons of experience in talking one another off the ledge.

9. Miner
Not only do miners risk being crushed to death on a daily basis, but hundreds are also facing layoffs in Safford as the mine faces a 50% reduction in mining and milling rates.

8. Banker
Chase and BofA plan to lay off more than 85,000 people alone. We always thought it outrageous that people stashed cash in their mattresses during the Great Depression. Now with interest rates on treasuries hovering at uh, around zero, there really is no difference between treasuries and dollar bills. Be careful, though, if you hide cash in your mattress: it’s the first place an octogenarian burglar will look!

7. Real estate agent
No explanation necessary. It’s rough out there!

6. Unemployment agency employee
This might be a recession-proof industry, but the pay cannot possibly be commensurate with the stress added in ’08. First-time unemployment claims were up more than 125% over the previous year, and applicants are waiting more than a month for payments due to a lack of workers to process claims.

5. Walmart worker
Although this is one company that would be expected to do well during the recession, 2008’s Black Friday was more like the running of the bulls. If getting trampled to death is a potential hazard of your job, you may want to consider a change of careers.

4. GM, Chrysler or Ford car salesman
Again, no explanation necessary. Last year these poor guys might have made a better living selling Matchbox cars.

3. East Valley Tribune reporter
After reducing its frequency to four days a week and laying off 40% of its workforce, the cockroaches in the old Mesa building now outnumber the employees. (Hey, The Republic isn’t much better off.) The cockroach report came directly from a former Tribune reporter who claims that the payroll guy was the only one who got more applause than the bug man when he finally showed up.

2. Copper thief
Not so long ago, industrious thieves were able to make a pretty penny stealing copper wiring from construction sites and then selling it to scrap yards for about $3 a pound. But with a recent 60% drop in prices and a lack of demand for the material, even criminals are feeling the pinch.

1. City of Mesa employee
In addition to being raided in the night by sheriff’s deputies, about 70 Mesa employees were informed just weeks before Christmas that their positions were being eliminated amid a severe budget crisis.

2008’s Furthest Falls

Last year there were more shakeups, political scandals, public firings and failed election bids than in a John Grisham novel. While the success of these Arizona public figures didn’t endure, their legendary, and sometimes embarrassing, public fumbles will be remembered for years to come.

10. Mary Manross
After serving as Scottsdale’s mayor for eight years, Manross was unceremoniously ousted by the single-term Councilman Jim Lane by a mere 590 votes.

9. Bill Heard Chevrolet
Once the largest Chevy dealership in the nation, Bill Heard closed all of its stores in September, including its Scottsdale location.

8. Jim Ripley
The former high-profile executive editor at the once prospering East Valley Tribune was recently laid off, along with 40% of the staff, when the paper became a free non-daily.

7. Tom Lovejoy
Even though the accomplished Chandler police sergeant was found innocent of animal cruelty charges for the death of his police dog, he was publicly condemned by many Arizona residents and the “Toughest Sheriff” for accidentally leaving his police dog in his hot car.

6. Mike D’Antoni
The former Suns coach joined the team in 2003 and was credited with an incredible turnaround for the franchise. After a war of words, D’Antoni finally took the money and ran and now coaches a bunch of New York scrubs waiting for the arrival of the anointed one, King James. Good luck, Mike!

5. Sandra Dowling
After serving for 20 years as the Superintendent of Schools for Maricopa County, Dowling was sentenced to more than four months probation in a misdemeanor plea agreement last summer after being indicted on 25 felony counts, including theft of public money. Most of the other charges were dismissed.

4. Trish Groe
The former state representative from Lake Havasu did not return to office last year after pleading guilty to drunken driving. Ironically, Groe had been a supporter of tough legislation aimed at curbing DUI cases.

3. Don Stapley
The four-term Maricopa County Supervisor, who was once named County Leader of the Year by American City and County magazine, was recently indicted on 119 felony counts, including perjury and forgery.

2. Steve Berman
The Gilbert mayor’s fourth wife went to the media last year to accuse her now-estranged husband of mental and physical abuse. She also accused him of a string of other bizarre behaviors, including plotting to kill another councilwoman.

1. Arizona’s economy
Once one of the hottest real estate spots in the nation, Arizona’s housing market has colossally tanked, with more than 40,000 mortgage foreclosures in 2008. Combined with the state’s projected billion-dollar-plus budget deficit, we’re now facing the state’s biggest breakdown since the alt-fuels scandal. No wonder we’re wearing out the barstools.